As fathers progress through the custody process they usually pass
through four distinct phases. Even though the names, dates and facts
of the cases are all different, the process is almost always the
same.
I hear the stories of devastated fathers almost every day. Sometimes
I am amazed at how each story seems so much worse than the next.
Almost every story includes descriptions of false allegations and
coaching of children. Fathers describe the absolute emotional and
financial destruction of their once happy family by the family court.
What seems to hurt dads the most is the unrecoverable loss of
precious time with little kids that just want to spend time with
them.
Often the first call from a father to one of our A Child's Right
members begins as a two hour call as hopeless fathers explain the
details of their story. Dads often just need someone to listen to
them before they absolutely explode. As I listen to the stories a
very similar pattern seems to emerge. I have noticed that most of the
dads that are being kicked around by the family court machine have
very similar personalities. I have noticed that these dads are
usually very easy going; they are typically the "rule followers" of
our society. These fathers tend to comply with the rules that society
has laid out for them without question.
As fathers progress through the custody process they usually pass
through four distinct phases. Even though the names, dates and facts
of the cases are all different, the process is almost always the
same.
Phase 1- The Devastated Dad
Initially, fathers are blindsided with an order of the court limiting
their time with their children. They are often ordered out of their
homes, their assets and paychecks are seized, and they are forced to
find or borrow thousands of dollars to fund an attorney. Fathers in
this stage are constantly asking themselves what they did wrong, how
can "they" (the courts) do this? In many cases mothers have used the
WMD of custody litigation - false allegations of abuse. Fathers are
visited by social workers, Guardians ad Litem, and ordered to
counseling. This extremely cruel tactic is followed by court
personnel and/or psychologists coaching the children to ensure that
they, too, report that they hate their father. The result is a
depressed, devastated dad who wears the effects of his battle on his
sleeve.
Phase 2 - Hyper Compliance
As custody litigation progresses and psychological experts are
further engaged, fathers move into a mode of hyper-compliance. They
attend every counseling session and every minor court hearing with
high hopes - only to hear that a decision on their case has been
delayed. Fathers assume that if they just do everything that they are
asked to do that this whole ordeal will be over and they can see
their kids again. They sign up for parenting classes, counseling
sessions, and attend mediations often without being asked. Fathers
volunteer for polygraphs, take drug tests, and comply with every
conceivable program the system has to offer. Every father believes
that if they just follow the rules, the truth will come out. It
doesn't! Over time dads realize that no matter how many times they
ask, no matter what they do, the "experts" can never put their finger
on exactly what he must do to so he can see his kids again. They
always end every statement to the court, no matter how unreasonable,
with "in the best interest of the children".
Phase 3 - Legal Eagle
Eventually fathers get fed up with the slow moving custody machine.
They start to Google everything from parenting rights that are
guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution, to the latest research on false
allegations. Acronyms such as PAS, FOC, GAL, SAID Syndrome, and FERPA
become part of their every day conversation. They collect evidence,
photocopy documents, and start recording every conversation anxiously
awaiting their day to present these facts in court. They spend hours
researching information on other cases that seem similar to theirs
and forwarding case law to their attorney only to be told to "stop
playing lawyer". They can't understand why their own attorney allows
so many continuances of their case. They can't figure out why filing
a motion for contempt because visitation was denied (again) would
make HIM look bad. Many dads spend their life savings, children's
college funds, retirement funds and go into tens of thousands of
dollars of debt during this phase certain that if they can just get
their story in front of a judge, the truth would come out.
This is the phase where the social workers, judges, and magistrates
threaten that if "the two parents can't agree, they'll be forced to
put the kids in foster care!" The lawyers all talk about how costly a
trial would be and pressure all parties to settle. For the few
fathers that get their case to trial, they quickly find that
the "evidence" they collected, the documents they've copied and the
audio they've recorded can't be presented in court. They learn
that "experts" that have never met them, and social workers who don't
even have children, can make recommendations about the future of
their children. Fathers learn that perjury in family court is never
prosecuted.
Phase 4 - Combat
Eventually the money runs out, the lawyers come and go, and the
pressure to give in grows. Some fathers just quit. They take the
offer, they "agree" to minimal visitation, to a support order that is
unreasonable, and every other restriction the "experts" throw at
them, simply because they cannot afford (financially, emotionally,
and psychologically) to fight any longer. These dads' balls have
literally been busted.
Other dads decide to fight – with or without an attorney.
These fathers decide to continue litigation pro se. They contact
every father's group on the web and sign up for every Yahoo group on
the subject. These fathers, once united, can have a major impact on
the "system". The hope of every judge, magistrate, counselor, social
worker and attorney that profits from the custody industry is that
the fathers that opt for combat won't organize. They have learned
that they can squash each individual father like a lone ant on the
pavement. What they fear is an informed, organized, determined army
moving toward one goal like a swarm of fire ants. That would be
unstoppable.
Sadly, too many fathers spend so much time in phases 1-3 that their
children grow up in the background and they miss out.
What are YOU waiting for?
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